UGH.

Sometimes I wonder if it is best to isolate myself from everyone. I know isolation is definitely worse rather than better.
I am a complete idiot sometimes, well most times.
I don't exactly know where this is headed.

I am mixed in some awful emotions, and I really just feel like being a child again. I feel like laying my head on my grandpa. My favorite man.


Look, you know who you are. You know how I feel about you. I care about you a lot, and you mean a lot to me. You are the most intelligent person I know, and I could say so much more, but through a blog it sounds silly. You're incredibly sweet and considerate. Your faith is contagious, and I feel safe when I talk to you. I hope you know I'm not trying to ruin anything, but I sometimes feel I do.<3

Goodbye

My dog Sugar and I are leaving. I think I'm going to sail away in a canoe with Sugar at midnight.

We will sail far to a place where nobody knows us. Where we can sit in occasional non-awkward silence, and where politics doesn't exist. Where boys aren't stupid, and where girls aren't snobs. Where you're excited for your bedtime, and it's easy to wake up. Where 11 hours of sleep is required, and Wheatfields for dinner is mandatory at least once a week. Where floods of cookie dough ice cream rain here and there, and where there are attractive people with clean teeth smiling and biking along. Hmmm, where people make you laugh, and you only cry from laughing too hard. Where the name Hillary Clinton is banned, and where every morning you get a kiss on the forehead welcoming the day.

Ughh sugar and I are leaving.
I will write.

I'm serious.

Kiss me.

Double Meanings.

Do you ever feel like people mean something else when they say something?
Like today I saw a teacher and he said "hi there, how are you doing?" but I knew he meant, "how are you doing since I saw you were crying in class yesterday"...And in my history class a kid said "what's up?" but I knew he meant "how's everything since IncluCity" (a camp I went to).

Double meanings. Luckily I know how respond in that secret language.

I Can't Do This Anymore.

I can't do this anymore.
I can't do this anymore.
I can't do this anymore.
I can't do this anymore.
I can't do this anymore.
I can't do this anymore.
I can't do this anymore.
I can't do this anymore.
I can't do this anymore.
I can't do this anymore.
I can't do this anymore.

I'm sorry, I can't.

Be Gentle With Me.

Haha, strangest day ever. I haven't "blogged" in a while. Hmm... I will be 16 soon, and I will get my license and finally those of you who have driven me around for what it seems like ages (which I appreciate to the fullest) will be relieved from your duties.

I wish I could write more, I will later, maybe tomorrow.

Sore.

While I was in Florida I missed one day of my Weight Training class. Today after school I made it up by 40 minutes straight of vigorous physical activity. I feel completely numb, and my muscles are sore. I have been limping, but I'm trying to bite the bullet and walk on my legs. Haha, as you can tell I don't work-out. On Tuesday my friend tried to give me "physical therapy", which was basically me laying on the floor screaming and her sitting on my feet and pounding on my muscles until they stopped aching.

It's times like these when I'd call Logan and we'd go out for coffee, but he's not here and I miss him. Everyday I seem to realize more and more that he truly is my best friend. Around here lately I get a little lonely. There's really nobody to have deep conversations on the Bible, politics, psychological and sociological topics. I guess I have people to talk to, but it's not the same- I sound pitiful. It's hard to explain, I'm blessed to have an amazing brother, best friend, and a great frisbee partner all in one.

Relief.

I bet you can't guess what came today (besides my new craving for multi-grain club crackers).

My "Our Ill Wills" album by: Shout Out Louds!

Cat Power

Come with me
My love
To the sea
The sea of love

I want to tell you
how much
I love you

Do you remember
When we met
That's the day
I knew you were my pet

I wanna tell you
how much
I love you

Come with me
My love
To the sea
The sea of love

I wanna tell you
How much
I love you






For those of you unfamiliar with this great song, take a listen:

My Heart Aches.

I am sitting in Panera, not only soaking up their free wifi, but also getting a quick lunch before we head for the airport.
My Florida escapade is finished. My brother is officially a student at Southeastern University in Lakeland, Florida. This morning I went to the beach for the last time. It was a different January than I have had in the past, for the reason that I was in a swimsuit at the beach in 80 degree weather. It felt nice. Nature truly does nothing in vain. Florida is very beautiful, and it is very cultural and has a lot to offer. But Omaha is my home, and my roots will forever continue to grow there (well, as of now). I go home to my own bed, my dog, and piles of make-up homework.

I often call myself a nerd, well Betsy calls me it too. Hmm, I was just thinking of what I will go back to wearing when I find that Omaha just had an inch of snow. My friends sometimes call me a nerd because my socks bunch up by my ankles. I guess I go back to wearing bunched up socks instead of flip flops. My swimsuit will only be used for those Prairie Life nights in the hottub and steam room. And I'll probably stop pinning my bangs back so they can warm my forehead.

I have had a very interesting week. Some things have been folded and tucked away, and some have just began to blossom. And I will admit I am scared of what they might grow into.

No Comment.

"For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul."

And it rips through the silence, all that is left is all that I hide

For some strange reason I feel lead to write some deep, intellectual, honest blog. I don't feel I can, because being honest on this subject scares the heck out of me. Spencer Johnson (a motivational author/business speaker) once said, "integrity is telling myself the truth, and honesty is telling other people the truth." Except, for some reason I don't feel like I need to tell anyone my experiences with depression. But my depression happened to me for a reason, I to this day don't understand why it happened to me. I don't know why I am even typing this...

I have a good friend who made an attempt to end his life a year ago. When I found out I was out of town, and I could hardly speak to the person on the phone who called me to tell me the news. I was in shock, and it killed my spirit. Even looking back on this, all I remember is bawling until the whites in my eyes were red. I don't know why, but I felt like it was my fault. I felt that if I were in town, he would have called me, and he wouldn't have tried to kill himself. By the grace of God, my friend is alive and went into treatment.

I used to think that when someone was depressed or contemplating suicide, they were doing it for attention. Perhaps some are, but I am embarrassed that I would even think that. Not that long ago, when I was depressed, I was definitely not myself. In fact, I think I was a different person, in a totally different state of mind. I would only vent to a few close friends, and they may not have understood the way I felt (to be honest, I didn't either). Looking back on a certain situation I told my friend through a message exactly how I felt, whatever thoughts came to my mind. Even if it didn't make sense, I kept typing.

I remember I thought about my well-being a lot. I was scared to be so depressed, because I didn't know what I was capable of doing to myself in that state of mind. I started medication to go through this battle. I remember the doctor asking me questions such as "have you ever tried to kill yourself?", "have you had thoughts of suicide?". When I said my responses I felt ashamed. I was so hard on myself. Sometimes I don't even think it was me...something was hard on me. I thought of God, and I wondered why this was happening. I wasn't necessarily angry at Him, but I felt like he was out to get me, or testing me. So I began to read the book of Job.

I felt like I was definitely alone. Even at church, I felt like some people thought I wasn't a child of God if I was this way. And if you are a Christian you must be happy. I didn't want to tell anyone at church that I was on medication, because I didn't want them to judge me, or my relationship with God. Other friends tip toed around the words "depression" or "sad" when they were around me. And I felt like I was stopping people.

While flipping through Job I did some more research on other people in the Bible who struggled with depression. I read how Moses was in the wilderness leading the people. The people were upset because they didn't have any meat to eat. Moses asked God why he was being so hard on him, and told him how the people were a burden on him. He even told God to kill him if he was going to treat him this way. I could definitely relate. I wondered why God would bring me down, and I felt like I was carrying burden after burden. I definitely just wanted to die. Luckily, I couldn't bring myself to do it to myself. I (like Moses) asked God to just kill me if I had to keep going through such pain. After my prayer I must have fell asleep, and I guess God didn't want me dead because I woke up breathing the next morning. Reading experiences of Job, Moses, Paul, and Jeremiah, I felt that it was God's way of sending me strength to keep going.

One day I was talking to my teacher after school and he said "how are you? Lately you seem, depressed. Are you okay?", I paused for a bit- but not for too long because I didn't want him to know that anything was up. After quickly checking myself, I realized I hadn't been depressed for a week... Ever since that conversation I have not felt depressed, sad sometimes, but not depression (yes they are two different things). I still take medication, and I am sometimes ashamed of it, but I then try to make myself realize I have no reason to be. I'm not saying that I will never go through something like that again, and if it comes, I am ready to fight what Satan uses for evil into what God uses for glory. Ever since that, I have not been myself, I know what I am capable of doing, I know that God wouldn't put me through something I can't handle. Maybe that seems like a wimpy story to you, but trust me, it was hard as hell. And I am happy I didn't do anything stupid, that I relied on God, and he gave me strength. In the first paragraph of my blog I stated that I didn't know why I was typing this but now I know. I thought I was capable of ending my life, but God showed me that I was capable of starting to live it.

Don't tell me that this is not even the slightest bit inspiring.

I just ordered The Flying Club Cup by: Beirut and Our Ill Wills by: The Shout Out Louds.
I love Zach Condon, he plays nice gypsy style tunes.



I also like jazz/big band music. When I was five my mom bought my brother Louis Armstrong cassettes and I used to play them in my little cassette player. I miss the good ole' days. Now my cassette player is broken.

If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance.

Today I started from the first page of my journal until my current day entries. And wow, I have grown up in some areas, and in others I am still immature and need to mature- and with time/experiences I am confident that I will.
I can already sense that in this entry I will just be rambling about whatever comes to mind.
I know I am late to develop any resolutions, and usually I am not one for making any in the first place. Once I promised myself to empty the dishwasher every time my mom asked, and I didn't follow through with it, but that was quite a long time ago anyway. Actually I believe I was eight years old... Today I began thinking of what resolutions I could come up with for 2008, and I found that I plan on:
- Develop a perspective bigger than myself.
- Live a lifesyle that prioritizes relationships.
- Remind myself that I must serve Christ single-mindedly.

While reading in my journal I realized that I made a lot of lists. Some are harsh, and some are sweet, such as:
Things I need to give up.
People I care about.
People I love.
People who love me.
Bands I like.
Songs I like.
Music to download.
Things I must do before I die.
Why am I depressed.
Places to travel.
Names for children.
Characteristics I want in a relationships.
Things I need to work on.
Why I hate getting my wisdom teeth taken out (haha!).

Logan is sleeping in his dorm tonight. Also, Marilyn's birthday is today (basically). Awwwwww, my babies are all grown up! On a completely random side note- I must remember that love is intended to be patient. I hope you are doing alright. I want you to know that not a day goes by where you don't cross my mind. And I believe like this is definitely sweet irony.
Goodnight from Florida!
-Lindsay

The joy is the source of my smile.

My friends I wish I could explain the feelings I have. 

I am in Florida and the weather is so gosh darn beautiful and airy, and the breeze feels so nice against my skin. Today my brother and I played frisbee in the park by the lake. If you know me, you'd know that frisbee is my latest flare. And for all of you Relevant Magazine fans, Logan and I drove by/took pictures in front of the building. Eh, so nerdy! But this is actually a big deal to us! Today I guess you could say that we spent most of the day in downtown Orlando. I checked out this really cool independent music store, and in most of the store there were just records. My record player doesn't work, and I am tempted to just buy a new one (though they're probably expensive?), so I didn't end up buying anything- but Logan bought two DVDs. 

Tomorrow is orientation for Logan at his university. It's weird, because Logan and I are very close, and I know I should feel sad, but I don't. Or maybe it's okay not to feel sad. I feel hopeful for him, and I feel that God is going to do amazing things through/with him. I definitely feel like God has been with me (of course as always), but I feel especially close to him. 

On a side note- I know how Audrey Hepburn feels in the movie Funny Face when she meets Fred Astaire.

Well, I need to rest. 

I am definitely deprived.

Smoke in My Lungs

With smoke in my lungs. That is how Florida welcomed me in their lovely airport. As of today it is day two of my Florida excursion. Orlando is very busy, and their drivers aren't the kindest. It is times like these that I am grateful for Beirut, Bob Dylan, The Shout Out Louds and Omaha's Sbarro. It is late/early (however you look at it) and I can't sleep. Florida's weather is very nice, and today it felt as if the sun kissed me on the cheek. 

But I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep, and miles to go before I sleep.

Nevermind.